Christmas

As a little girl, the season of Christmas always included a feeling of magic filling the air...I could feel that magic in my veins, making me tingle with excitement. My parents always waited until my brother and I had gone to bed to put the presents out, and that always added to the awe of Christmas morning; the night before it was just a pretty tree, but when we got up in the morning somehow our stockings were packed with presents and candy and there were tons of beautifully wrapped presents under the tree waiting to be opened and played with. I always woke up really early and would sneak out to the living room and look at everything and how pretty it was, then creep back to bed and lay there, vibrating with excitement while I waited for someone else to wake up, or until it was a "reasonable" hour to jump on my parents and wake them up.
As I grew older, something about that magic faded... I don't know if it was knowing that the fairy tales of Santa weren't true or if that's just a normal part of growing older. The whole season has always been exciting and wonderful, but it is different.
This year is the first in many years that I'm starting to feel that magic again. I'm assuming it has something to do with this being the first year away from what has always been home for me, knowing that I'm going to be back for Christmas. All those songs that I've always heard about coming home for the holidays finally have a meaning for me. And it isn't the presents like it was as a kid; it's being around the people and places that you hold special in your heart.

This whole holiday is so strange when you think about it. The truth and most important part of the reason for it is the birth of Jesus; it's a celebration that He came to Earth to save us. Yet nothing we do to celebrate has anything to do with Him other than a few of the songs we sing, or if you go to church on Christmas Eve. Sure, giving the presents is in remembrance of Him being the greatest gift of all and of the wise men who brought gifts to Him, but I highly doubt that a tree and pretty lights and crazy shopping are how we are meant to celebrate. It's almost like two holidays rolled into one. (Of course, the way we often celebrate Easter with bunnies and candy has little to do with Him either.)

Anyway, aside from the strangeness of it all, I'm just very excited that this time next week I will be with family and will get to see them for more than just a day or two for the first time since May.

Music

I've always been a person whose emotions are extremely tied to music. If I listened to a particular band or song a lot during a certain time of my life, I will always remember how I felt and what was going on when I hear that music again. Unfortunately, this has caused me to be unable to listen to songs for long periods of time. Sometimes an album will make me incredibly sad to hear and it will take me awhile to connect the music to the event, but eventually I do. For the first time in five years today I was able to listen to Mae without being completely overwhelmed. It's so bizarre; I'm completely over the events that made me too depressed to listen to them, but for some reason every time I tried to listen to these songs, which are great, I was that broken, confused, 18 year old again. Finally tonight I realized that I'm actually free from that. I need to tie some music to something really happy so that five years from now I can hear a song and be randomly filled with joy instead of pain. At any rate, I just wanted to say that I'm happy that all of that crap that seemed so important a long time ago is absolutely nothing to me now. I wonder if I had tried sooner I would have had this revelation earlier. Hmm...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, as a concept, is something that I struggle with. Normally when somebody upsets me, I let it go immediately. And that’s where the problem comes in. When somebody deeply hurts me, I don’t understand what it means to forgive. What does forgiving entail? Does it mean you still speak to the person, spend time with them, act as if nothing happened? Does it mean you forget what they did? Or do you simply say, I forgive them, and all is well? I have struggled with this on a couple of occasions, when the people who were closest to me wounded me; I couldn’t understand what it meant to forgive. I desperately wanted to forgive them, because harboring anger wasn’t hurting them, but it was slicing me apart day by day. I asked everyone I could think of, what does it mean to forgive? Nobody could give me an answer. Eventually, over time, and prayer, the wound in my heart healed and became nothing but a tiny scar. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but it does sometimes itch. I know that over time, at some point, forgiveness happened, but I don’t know how or when. I was recently overcome with the desire, almost need, to speak to an old friend whom I felt had wronged me. I only now realize that it means that I finally forgave her. But again, it begs the question- how did I forgive her? When did this happen? And, what do I do now? So I am asking anyone who is reading this- what does it mean to forgive someone? Is it an instant thing, or is it just something that takes time? After you finally do forgive them, what happens then?

Whine Break

I am just going to take a minute here to whine... I feel like my body is falling apart. I have pain shooting through every part of my body, from my head to my toes and every part in between. I wish I was exaggerating when I say every part, but I am not. Last night I couldn't stop crying because everything hurt so bad. I'm not sure if it is the result of the pain or just an accompanying issue, but my joints are so stiff that when I try to move it happens very slowly. I feel depressed and lethargic, I'm tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get. And on top of this, I haven't had a period in five months... that's almost half a year. When I realized this morning how long that is... it made it seem much worse. I'm wondering if these problems are all related, or if they are individual, or maybe one is causing all the others. All I know is, I would like a functioning body again, because I'm only 23 and my body seems to think it is 70 something.
Sorry to anyone reading this having to just "hear" me complain, but I just needed a moment to vent.

My current road

In my devotional, it keeps talking about how we aren't here to reach a certain point, we're here to experience a journey. We aren't "complete" when we finally accomplish the goals we have set for ourselves, and sometimes our goals aren't God's goals. It asks what we are doing at our current point on our journey, what we are making out of it and if we are trusting that God has placed us here at this specific location for a purpose. Recently, I was informed of a job opportunity in Michigan that seemed absolutely perfect for me. Although I initially wasn't very open to it because I don't want to move again, I kept open to the possibility when I heard what an amazing opportunity is is. My family keeps telling me that it must be a God thing. So I've been thinking about it and praying hard. Almost immediately, I heard "No." Thinking that maybe it was my own uncertainty, I continued to pray about this, asking Him to let me know very clearly whether this was the right course for me. After a few days, I heard as clearly as if it had been spoken, "Yes, this is a great opportunity; but for someone else, not you." I am confused. Part of me wonders why there would be something that seemed so perfect if it wasn't for me, but another part is thinking that I am obviously supposed to be doing something else right now. And that's actually something I've been thinking about lately. My job right now is not exactly the most rewarding and fulfilling thing for me personally and I know that I would rather be teaching and I know that I am supposed to teach, but I have realized that I am here right now, because Frank needs me. He tells me how much he appreciates me and his caseworker tells me how much more stable psychologically and emotionally he is now that I am with him. It's odd though, because I don't feel like I've even done that much, so how am I making that big of a difference? But especially today, I know that I am supposed to be with him right now. He has been going through some very rough times, especially after the death of his best friend/roommate. He's told me about others that have worked for him and how much he disliked them and I wonder what is so different about me and why he gets along with me so well and not with them. It does, however, reinforce to me that I am the one that is with him, at least right now, for a reason.

One of many reasons that I love Ryan-now with illustrations!

if you click the picture it gets bigger and makes more sense... sort of

ZZZzzzzzzzzz

For the past two nights, I have had the most vivid and bizarre dreams I've ever had. In the both of them, I was there but not actually me. In the first one, there was some horrible virus outbreak and I was on the team of scientists working to try and cure it. There was a family who was suspected of having the virus and we needed to quarantine them and run tests, but they wouldn't let us, so we got a search warrant (to search for the virus I guess?) and then it became this huge case in the courts of privacy and personal rights over the rights of the whole of society. I woke up before anything was solved of course.
Then last night it started with me running into the streets to try and distract this driver from hitting my dog, taunting him to hit me instead. When he pulled over, it looked like a drugged out Gerard Butler in the passenger seat and someone else driving, who was apparently my husband (but not Ryan). They came into the house where there were a ton of people I knew (I don't know why we were all gathered there, but it was after all, a dream) and we became hostages. They had guns and grenades and things and everyone was laying on their stomachs, hands on their heads. Then I heard a little girl scream and I jumped up and ran over and it was apparently my daughter and she didn't want her dad touching her, even though he was just telling her to have a good day as she left the house. I started begging him not to do what he was doing, but he said he was already in too deep and there was some sort of mafia out to get him and he had to do it. I told him I still loved him but I didn't know why and then they started shooting and blowing things up. While I was lying on my stomach, he came over and pulled my headband down and shot me in the head, but only enough to graze my skin, not enough to kill me, but he had to make it look to the others like he'd shot me dead. Then they all left and there were people dead and dying, bleeding and screaming. I stood up and with the other survivors tried to figure out what to do. There was blood streaming down my face.... and then I woke up, crying, and I could still feel the bullet wound on my head.

Touche` God......

Admittedly, I have been complaining about my job lately...it's just not what I saw myself doing. However, it is a very humbling task and maybe I needed that. God allows setbacks in our plans and we don't always understand why. Life is like one of those "choose your own adventure" books. You come to a fork in the road and you have a couple of options. Only, if you make the wrong choice, you don't get to flip back and pick the other option; you have to live with the consequences of your decision. And while it may seem that we've been on the wrong road for a very long time, or that the book has simply been closed, sometimes we need those detours to get back on the right path. God never gives up on us; He has a plan for us and no matter how badly we muck it up, He will find a way to get us headed in the right direction again. He also reminded me today that we are to bring glory to Him in all that we do, not just once we get from point A to point B. Our relationship with Him is meant to be an ongoing thing, not just a "Hey thanks" when we feel we've reached our destination. If our relationship with God is a friendship, then we are supposed to enjoy our time with Him and worship Him and praise Him always. If we were going on a road trip with a friend, we would talk to them and laugh with them throughout the journey; we wouldn't ignore them until we hit the final spot. And if we took a wrong turn somewhere and experienced a different part of the country than we'd intended, we would still roll with it and continue to enjoy the company of our friend.

Workworkwork

So, everyone says what a rewarding job this is... but I think if I'm going to be changing diapers and wiping butts, I'd rather it be on someone who is too young to be a violently angry, potty-mouthed, pervert. Just sayin....

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am completely directionally challenged. No skills in direction whatsoever. So when it came time for Ryan and I to buy phones, we bought the phones that had built in GPS... perfect for me, right? Today I was in downtown Pittsburgh, taking my test for PA certification and I was so glad to have my GPS; it got me through all the scary one way streets and city traffic. I turned my phone off so it wouldn't die while I was taking my tests and went inside. Came back out, excited to be done and go home, went to turn my phone on... nothing. It was dead. I charged it just last night, so what was going on? I began to panic. How could I get home without any directions? I started praying, hoping that God would make my phone start working again. No such luck. So I just started driving, praying and praying that God would get me home safely. I thought I was just getting myself more and more lost in the city, then I realized I had basically just driven in a huge circle. Then I noticed the sign... the sign that led to the highway I needed... the sign that God was going to lead me home, but He was going to do it His way. His way requires faith and trust. He was giving me a test, or a quiz maybe... "Do you trust Me?" He asked me. "I trust You." Though I was afraid, my faith in Him outweighed my fear and it paid off! I made it home safely, something I would never have done without Him.

More than anything, I am learning to trust in Him absolutely, completely, more than I thought I could trust someone. For the past month, the big things that I have been most stressed about have been taken care of, answered all today, actually.... and then as a cherry on top of that, God decided to show me why it is worth trusting in Him. He knows what He's doing, and He's got all the answers... even if we don't.

Random facts about me

-I almost always wake up with a song stuck in my head. Today it was "you can't always get what you want". The other day it was "house of the rising sun" which is particularly strange since I don't recall ever hearing it.
-If I had a superhero alter ego it would be "anxiety girl" and my power would be the ability to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.
-I find Ryan's snoring oddly comforting. Maybe because I'm crazy and it ensures me that he is breathing, maybe just because I'm used to it and it comforts me to have him sleeping beside me. But I woke up today and he wasn't snoring and I couldn't get back to sleep; once he started snoring again I relaxed and got sleepy again.
-I would rather eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast and cereal for lunch than the other way around.
-I really hate bugs, but I feel guilty when I kill them.

Honesty and babbling and unanswered questions

In my search for purpose, I think I need to begin with honesty- both with myself and those around me. This honesty may appear as babbling, but here we go.... And this may seem completely unrelated to what I've been reading about today, but it is what I woke up with on my mind. I've started dreaming about Chelsea again and I don't know why. Right after she died, I dreamt about her constantly and always in my dreams she had died but come back. I dreamed about her so persistantly that I began to wonder. I have never believed in ghosts, but in this situation I began to wonder if I was being haunted. Eventually, after much prayer and time the dreams ceased. So why now, years later, am I dreaming about her again? The scenario is the same... she died but she came back, basically in the form of a spirit, but she could interact with the world like you or I. I tell her that I love her and we are together all the time. In real life, I never told her that I cared so much about her or that God loves her... in all honesty we weren't even that close- I think that's what confuses me the most about her being so prevalent in my thoughts. If it had been one of my best friends it would make more sense. I still pray for her soul, which may be foolish hopefulness that years later it could make any difference at all, but at the same time, I guess I'm going on child-like faith and the knowledge that God is outside of time and could go back and change something if He chose.

My devotional is talking about giving up our dreams and trusting more in God than in anything else. But does that mean our hopes and desires, or our literal dreams? Should I bother looking for meaning in this at all, or just chalk it up to regret and somehow subconsciously thinking about her before I went to sleep? I wish that I could find answers as easily as I ask questions. When I was young I wanted to write letters to God, thinking he would take them and write me back. I never did, probably out of fear that I was wrong. Yet still, there has always been that little voice that says "what if..."?

But I can't live on "what ifs". I need to take action. I still wish sometimes that God would just beam down a map of my life so I could know what turn to take next. Of course, I am completely illiterate when it comes to maps, so I suppose that wouldn't do me a whole lot of good. How about GPS? There's a little voice nagging me in the back of my head right now going "Um, isn't that what the Bible is?" Yes, yes it is. And I know it's like, the ultimate map. It's just not very specific to me. Ok, I'm getting whiny and self-absorbed. I think that means it is time to stop.

I am learning

So easily, I can be overtaken by stress. There is so much to worry about. There are bills to be paid, difficult to do with no income, a car that seems like it could fall apart at any time and I randomly panic about my family and their health. I worry about being able to finally have my own classroom, if I will succeed when I have it. I wonder where I will live, if I will ever not live paycheck to paycheck... and it just goes on and on until there is nothing left of me but anxiety and fear. But with the help of my devotional, I am learning that there is a simple solution- I turn to God. Realistically, there is very little I can do about most of these things, so I put it in His hands. When I feel that wave of anxiety rushing toward me, I say right out loud "it's in Your hands." I am so happy that I can trust in Him and that I know He will take care of me, that He has some sort of great plan for me that will all work out so long as I don't get in the way.

I am also learning how much I take for granted. Working with Frank has taught me that. I try to always take time to say a prayer of thanks before a meal, but there are other things that I just assume will always be there, like the ability to walk or the use of all five senses. It just seems like such a given to have these things, but not everyone does and I never really thought about it before.

I admit it...

I can freely and easily admit that I am a complete germaphobe. It drives people crazy, I know, but I can't help it. Ryan got frustrated with me yesterday because we were watching some show and the guy had raw eggs smashed on his head and I was disgusted and made a comment about how unsanitary it was. He wanted to know how I can always think this way and more or less told me to get over it. But the problem is, I can't not think this way. As difficult as it is for other people to put up with me being like this, imagine how it is to be constantly thinking about the germs that are everywhere. For lack of more eloquent wording... it sucks. The other day, I caught Ryan's cousin coming out of our bathroom without washing his hands and called him out on it, but he didn't see anything wrong with it, but I couldn't stop thinking oh geeze, what is he touching? How much of my house is covered in nasty toilet germs? I didn't want to touch the doorknobs or light switches without Lysoling it all. My skin gets really dry because I have to wash my hands all the time. I carry hand sanitizer everywhere I go; my mom keeps some in her purse for when I'm with her. I can't even sit on a toilet without putting down toilet paper first... even on my own toilet. Sharing towels is also a no-no. I will keep guest towels in my house, not because I want to have fancy towels for guests, but because I don't want their germs and hairs all over me. You might think, Danielle, you washed it, its, fine. But that isn't good enough for me. You know why? Because whenever I go to a hotel or someone else's house, I always get the towel with the pube in it. I can't decide whether I would rather know about all these germs and keep clean or be blissfully ignorant.

Who I Am

Starting today, I am making an effort to find purpose. I know there has to be a reason to be here more than just get up, go to work, come home and sleep. I’ve started a devotional called Women of Purpose and I’m hoping it helps.

So lets start with an old question: who am I? I’ve battled with this one for awhile- a part of me wants to scream I know exactly who I am, and I argued that for many years. But sometimes I think, maybe I have no clue who I am besides what is on the surface. I am a pasty white 23-year-old wife, daughter and sister, an aspiring teacher who currently works with an ailing elderly man and I have a dog that I spoil like a child. I struggle even calling myself a woman, because half of the time I still feel so young. When things fall apart, the child in me still wants to cry for my mommy. None of this really says much about me though, and I’m starting to wonder if I even really know much about myself. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but my mind is a bit jumbly right now.

One thing that my devotional today got me thinking about is that the world is not really about us individually. That’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. Because we only live our own lives, we become completely wrapped up in our own world so it seems as if absolutely everything is about us. We were put here for the glory of God, not to please ourselves. Though we have goals and desires, He already has a plan in place for us and nothing will prevent Him from seeing that plan through. So are my plans and my desires really mine, or do I only have them because God wants me to? I want desperately to want what He wants and to do what He wants from me, but it is difficult to discern sometimes whose aspirations these really are, and mostly, it is hard to be patient. I want to see the blue prints of my life to see what I am going to be someday so I can look at it all and think ah hah! so that is why this happened or why I was here at this time, and it will all make sense and I won’t have to wait. I am very childlike sometimes; I can wait, but I sure don’t always want to.