When someone loses a limb, they learn to adapt, how to live without it. Because they have to. They might still have phantom pain or sensation even though the limb is no longer there.

Grief is like losing a limb. You learn to live with part of your heart missing. Because you have to. The rest of your heart will keep reaching out to that empty space, and it hurts. Every. Time.
Your heart becomes a puzzle that will never be solved. There's a piece missing from it- an important one. There's enough pieces remaining that you can see what it was supposed to be, but it's not quite right. Sometimes beautiful, wonderful things happen and your heart grows, you add new pieces to your puzzle. But none of these new pieces fit or fill that empty space.

Time does not heal all wounds.


How has it been another year already? He's four years old now. His birthday cake this year is going to be Petit fours, because even though fours doesn't mean the number, it makes sense to me.
Leyna loves carrying around his picture and giving him kisses. It's so sweet and it also completely breaks my heart.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Happy birthday Nico.

I'm struggling

I was at the park the other day and saw a brother and sister who were playing and I thought how nice it was that they had a built in best friend/playmate. Then I looked at Leyna who was playing by herself. And my heart broke a little. 

I see pictures of my friends and the relationship their children have with each other and it hurts.

I think it's so great that their children have that bond and I am truly happy for them, but it still hurts.

She was supposed to have that.

I've been going through old baby clothes and trying to decide what to do with them. The ones I have a really strong emotional attachment to are going to be part of a quilt, but the rest? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go.

Maybe because it's the finality of it. She's my last baby...the only one who came home with us. 

As badly as I wish she had a sibling, it's not that I want to have another baby. I want MY babies.  She already has siblings...just, not in the traditional sense. And it sucks. And I don't think it's fair. To either of us.

Every day I live in fear of something happening to her. I'm sure most parents have that to some extent, but it's getting worse. I have nightmares. When she's sleeping I have to check on her a lot to make sure she's ok because my brain tells me that if I have the chance to check on her (got up to go to the bathroom or something) and I don't, that she won't be ok that time, and it will be my fault, that if I checked on her everything would have been ok. Sometimes, I get a rare chance to sleep or rest, and I have to get out of bed and check on her because my mind won't stop screaming "what ifs" at me.

Sometimes when I look at pictures of her when she was teeny tiny, I almost want to have another baby. But I don't. Not really. On top of being really happy with Leyna and loving each new stage more (and loving her more) I couldn't deal with this fear and anxiety multiplied.

And I honestly have a feeling that even if I did get pregnant again, I would come home with empty arms again. 

You too, could rock a body like mine!

Since you’re all dying to know, but are too shy to ask, here is how I got this incredible body.

Step 1: Get pregnant. This is a really effective way to put on a lot of weight with little to no effort.

Step 2: Deliver your baby via C-section. It will create a really great scar which causes your now loose skin to hang over like an apron. Neat, right?

Step 3: Lose all the baby weight plus an extra 5 pounds in two weeks because you’re too busy taking care of the baby to eat. This will make your loose skin extra floppy, due to the sudden weight change.

Step 4: Breastfeed. It will make your boobs huge, and then when you wean baby, they’ll deflate like forgotten birthday balloons.  Additionally, your bras will no longer fit right- it’s amazing! You can now go spend money that you don’t have on new ones (that also will not fit well.)

Step 5: (Ideally, this could be completed before step 1, but you do you, booboo.) Marry a man with the palate of a 5 year old (If 5 year olds added hot sauce to everything) so you can make the choice of making multiple dinners (I know, super fun after a difficult day!) or end up eating less healthy meals without enough vegetables. This will help keep on any extra unwanted pounds.

Step 6: Decide to finally start exercising. (For real this time, not like the other 437 times you were going to get fit.) Make sure to do it erratically and when your toddler is awake so they can climb on you and trip you until you give up. Tell yourself you’ll do a proper exercise routine after she’s asleep. Don’t follow through.

And most importantly:

Step 7: (Admittedly, I’m still working on this one.) Embrace your new squishy, scarred up body. It may not be much to look at, but it grew and nourished the most incredible little person you’ve ever met.