When Pap died, I had this vision of him and Nico holding hands and walking through a field. It was a really nice image. And then I found out that Staci and Mawmaw had the same vision.
One other person with that vision could maybe be a coincidence, but not all three of us. So as much as we would all rather have them here so we could be with them, at least they are together.



There is a big porch attached to a farmhouse. On the porch there is a wooden rocking chair and a family swing. Grandmas are there rocking a baby girl. A little blonde haired boy is running around. There's more, but that's all I can see right now.


"His whole life, the only thing he knew was your love."
Ryan said that to me and it's one of the only things that's ever given any amount of comfort.  Until now. I'm starting to get these tiny little glimpses of him. Call me crazy, call it wishful thinking. I don't care. I believe it's real. I think after all the horrible things I've seen in the same kind of vision, it's a nice change. And maybe some day I'll touch on those things, but not today. Today is my little boy's birthday and he is 5 years old. I wish so desperately that he was here and we could celebrate together, but this little snippet of him surrounded by family and still just feeling loved is the best I can realistically hope for.


I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you forever, the only way I know how.

A Farewell

Several years ago, my last remaining blood related grandparent died. You hugged me and said it was ok, that I still had a grandpa. "I'm your grandpa now." But now you're gone too. And it sucks. And you suffered needlessly for a long time. So because of that, I'm glad you're at rest and you aren't suffering anymore, but I miss you and I will keep missing you. And my grief is so minuscule compared to what the rest of your family is feeling, because they knew and loved you much longer, but you were a part of my life for over a decade and a daily part of it for almost three years.

I have a lot of memories of you and they are all good, but memories are never as good as having the person that's in them. There's always that wish to have been able to see you one more time. To have gone "home" one more time. Your house hasn't been my home for quite a few years now, but it will always be one of those places that has a sense of home in my heart.

You were so strong, but kind, a hard worker, but you knew how to relax and make everyone around you smile and laugh. I often think of what a jokester you were and how quick witted you were. I know where your daughter and grandchildren get their strength and humor from. 

In the sadness, I'm trying to focus on the positives- remembering you as you were before you got sick, remembering how strong you were and how hard you fought even after you got sick. That we did at least get to talk to you one more time. We thought there would be more chances, but at least we had that one, and Leyna got to talk to you and say your name and tell you she loved you. We got to say we loved you one more time, so you knew we were thinking of you and loving you, even from afar.

And yesterday... you got to meet my son.


Rest peacefully and I hope you and Nico are having a great time together. I have a vision of you two walking through a field together holding hands. One of those things, like the time I heard his voice, that doesn't seem real to others, but make sense, and I know to be true.

 Until we meet again... xoxo