Note to self: I miss you terribly.
I miss the person I used to be before all this. I was happy and goofy and creative. I was a strong believer who didn't waver or question her beliefs. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've evolved into someone, something different. I don't know how to bring her back, but I know I liked her better and I'm sure everyone else did too.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
"Everything happens for a reason"
"God never gives us more than we can bear"
"The Lord works in mysterious ways"
"What goes around comes around"
People say this kind of b.s. because they don't know what else to say. There was no reason, I'm not a freaking She-Hulk, mysterious/murderous same thing?, and if this is true then I must have done some truly horrible things to deserve this.
Maybe people think it's too harsh of me to say so, but I do consider God at the very least an accomplice to the death of my son. I prayed every day. EVERY DAY. That he would keep him safe and healthy. That he wouldn't take this child of mine away. I believed that even if there was something wrong that God could/would step in and heal him. He chose not to. He knew I would shut him out if he made that choice because I told him from the beginning. Was he not listening? Did he not care?
I feel like a fraud. I teach kids about God's great love and how they need to hand their problems over to him and he'll take care of them. I encourage them to pray. This week my lesson is forgiveness and two weeks ago was trust. Well what if the one that you need to forgive and the one you no longer can trust is God? What then? Who helps you then? Where do you turn to when you're so completely lost and feel utterly beyrayed? I need answers. And I need to know if I'm actually qualified to do this job because I am a huge hypocrite. I encourage them to believe and trust and pray and I haven't talked to God in 9 months except occasionally to tell him what a jerk I think he is. I want them to believe and trust and pray but I can't do it myself. I can't walk the talk. Not yet. The more I question what I know, the more confused I become. If God loved us and wanted the best for us then why is Satan ruling the Earth instead of rotting in Hell as we all know he will one day be? Why is he roaming free and unpunished? If God so loved the world then why did he pick a few select favorites and wipe out the ENTIRE rest of the world. Or wipe out entire cities and turn someone into SALT because she disobeyed? That's love?? God tested Abraham's devotion by telling him to kill his child...love?
There is a hole in my heart. I used to cram God into all the cracks and holes that other hurts gave me, but now my heart flimsy and fragile and some days I think a slight breeze could completely destroy it.
I hate this. I hate feeling this way and I hate questioning everything. I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong by doing my job. I never want to turn someone away or hurt their beliefs but when I don't feel the way I'm encouraging them to, doesn't that make me a liar?
Please help.
"God never gives us more than we can bear"
"The Lord works in mysterious ways"
"What goes around comes around"
People say this kind of b.s. because they don't know what else to say. There was no reason, I'm not a freaking She-Hulk, mysterious/murderous same thing?, and if this is true then I must have done some truly horrible things to deserve this.
Maybe people think it's too harsh of me to say so, but I do consider God at the very least an accomplice to the death of my son. I prayed every day. EVERY DAY. That he would keep him safe and healthy. That he wouldn't take this child of mine away. I believed that even if there was something wrong that God could/would step in and heal him. He chose not to. He knew I would shut him out if he made that choice because I told him from the beginning. Was he not listening? Did he not care?
I feel like a fraud. I teach kids about God's great love and how they need to hand their problems over to him and he'll take care of them. I encourage them to pray. This week my lesson is forgiveness and two weeks ago was trust. Well what if the one that you need to forgive and the one you no longer can trust is God? What then? Who helps you then? Where do you turn to when you're so completely lost and feel utterly beyrayed? I need answers. And I need to know if I'm actually qualified to do this job because I am a huge hypocrite. I encourage them to believe and trust and pray and I haven't talked to God in 9 months except occasionally to tell him what a jerk I think he is. I want them to believe and trust and pray but I can't do it myself. I can't walk the talk. Not yet. The more I question what I know, the more confused I become. If God loved us and wanted the best for us then why is Satan ruling the Earth instead of rotting in Hell as we all know he will one day be? Why is he roaming free and unpunished? If God so loved the world then why did he pick a few select favorites and wipe out the ENTIRE rest of the world. Or wipe out entire cities and turn someone into SALT because she disobeyed? That's love?? God tested Abraham's devotion by telling him to kill his child...love?
There is a hole in my heart. I used to cram God into all the cracks and holes that other hurts gave me, but now my heart flimsy and fragile and some days I think a slight breeze could completely destroy it.
I hate this. I hate feeling this way and I hate questioning everything. I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong by doing my job. I never want to turn someone away or hurt their beliefs but when I don't feel the way I'm encouraging them to, doesn't that make me a liar?
Please help.
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