.

Maybe anyone reading this feels that I am being overly dramatic, but I don't care. I am not writing for other people, I am writing to get these words and feelings out of me and onto "paper." Once I hit that "publish" button, I am done with whatever is currently eating at me and I can go from there and stop focusing so severely on this. 


I am getting to the point where I think I can handle this. I go the majority of the day without thinking about it. And then a wave of horrible sadness washes over me, threatening to drag me out to sea where I will be eaten alive. I haven't been speaking to God either. That wasn't a conscious choice, just something that sort of happened, just like when a friend does something hurtful, you instinctively begin to avoid them. I didn't even realize that I'd been avoiding Him until very recently. And when I do talk to Him, it feels awkward. I feel like I don't know what to say. Deep down, I know I can still trust Him and that He is there waiting for me to come back, but right now, it just doesn't feel right. I feel like any prayer is going to feel forced and possibly disingenuous, like I'm just saying the words because that's what I am supposed to say, and is that really praying? Essentially the "nod and smile" version of prayer.
I know there was something wrong with my baby, but I still have moments of blaming myself. I had 3 ultrasounds and at each one they said the baby was six and a half weeks old by size, but over eleven weeks by dating. He wasn't growing. The doctor told me that there was a chromosomal problem and nothing I could have done would have changed that. And that once you see a heartbeat, there's only a five percent chance of miscarrying. Clearly something was wrong. But I don't think it is fair, and I become overwhelmingly sad when I think about the life that was growing inside me and that now I am just empty, void. I went into labor, which was absolutely horrific pain, and after being given anesthesia, my body delivered an unbelievably tiny, dead baby. I could have handled that pain knowing something joyful was on the other end, but knowing that what was causing it was so horrific, it just shattered my heart further.
I don't want to cry anymore, I just want to move on. I want my body to get back to normal, and I want to be able to comfortably talk to God again.

Will I praise You in this storm?

Since Wendesday, I have had Casting Crown's "Praise You in This Storm" stuck in my head. It has been playing over and over and I have been fighting it, because I don't feel like I can sing those words yet and mean them. The line that is killing me is "I will raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." I will praise Him, but not for this, because I don't understand why He would give me the one thing I have always wanted just to take it back.

I love God, and I trust Him wholly, but I do not understand Him. I am upset with  Him. He gave me a miracle and then took it back and it isn't fair. I am feeling slightly numb right now, which is good, because it at least temporarily masks all the horrible things I am feeling. I am devastated, heartbroken, angry, confused. I was told I couldn't have babies without help and then to my delight I found out I was pregnant. From the beginning, there were complications, but I had faith that God would keep my baby healthy and growing. I told Him that I would go on bedrest even though it would make me insane if He would just let me keep my baby. For whatever reason, He decided that it wasn't going to be and He took my blessing back. And I can't help but be furious that there are people who never wanted babies that have them, teenage girls who have no right to have babies, people who do horrible things to their children. It doesn't make sense. I did things right, I was responsible and I waited for my husband and I don't get my baby. I am angry at everyone who has babies...which I know isn't fair to them, but all I have ever wanted is to be a mommy; I finally had that within my sight and that hope and joy is gone.  I know that God has His reasons, but that doesn't mean that I can be happy or even accept this yet.

I know this will be a long, difficult healing process, and because of the physical damage as well as emotional it is even more arduous because it makes it impossible to distract myself. The pain I have felt during this time has been at times more than I feel I can handle....physically and emotionally, I have never hurt so badly. And while I know the solution is, "turn it over to God", I have a hard time turning it over because I feel like He is the one who caused this pain, which to me is so needless and cruel. Logically I can recognize that there is a reason, and everyone keeps telling me that, but it doesn't make it hurt less. They say you can try again...I don't want to try again, I wanted this baby. The only thing I have found so far besides my family that gives me comfort is a bible verse. "He shall live forever and see no corruption or decay." My baby is with God, someday I will meet him and he will never have to have known the cruelty of the world, and he will not have had to deal with horrible physical pain which perhaps he would have, had he lived.

I have faith that someday I won't be so angry and that it won't always hurt so much. I am trying to believe that one day I will hold a baby of my own. I do worry though, what if He chooses not to let me have that? Would He be so cruel? I had come to accept that maybe I couldn't have children and had decided to adopt if that was the case...but now, having had that too slight, too brief taste of motherhood, I don't think I could be ok to not have it. I am trying so hard to trust God and know that He means well and has plans for me that I can't even imagine yet, but in this darkness I struggle to see a dawn, even a very distant one.