on being thankful

After my last post I started thinking a lot. That was just a rant written out of frustration, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Sure, things aren't how I imagined they'd be and I have days where I feel like I got a crap deal as far as bodies go. However, there are more things good than bad and sometimes I need to remind myself of that.
I have an awesome family, both my parents are still together and I know they love me.
When I got married, I got lucky and didn't get the "dreaded mother in law" sitcom situation. I gained an additional family complete with more grandparents and siblings.
Although I may not have many friends, the ones I have are true.
My husband loves and accepts me despite my weirdness. He surprises me with little things quite often, and I think the little things are important because it shows you care and are thinking about someone.
I have a place to call home. It may not be exactly "mine" but through the generosity of family, I have always had a place to live and a place that I felt safe and happy.
I always have food and clean water. Even when there are the "there is nothing to eat" days, there is still an abundance and I am just being lazy.
I have an adorable amazing dog who happens to think he is a person, and that is largely my own fault, but I like him that way. He is part of my family.
I have all of my 5 senses still in tact, and through that I am able to experience the joys of music, seeing the people I care about, tasting different foods, feeling the warmth of cuddling with someone I love, and can smell EVERYthing. (I have a nearly superhuman sense of smell, it is a blessing and a curse.)
Most days I am fully functional and can get around without struggle or aid. Coming from a job where I had to help people with their most basic needs such as cleaning themselves or going to the bathroom, I am very thankful that I am able to care for myself.


Whenever I am thinking of the good things in life, I always think of my friend Angel. I was feeling down one time and she said "When I get down hearted, I realize that hot pink is still a color and ska is still a noise, crayons are cheap, shopping carts rides are free, and Halloween is just ONE excuse to wear a costume."

Praise You in This Storm

I feel like every doctor's visit, every week and month that goes by without my body doing what it should, is another step away from the future I had always imagined for myself. I always thought by now I would have had at least one kid if not more. And I'm surrounded by young girls, many of whom didn't even want kids and they have them. It seems unfair. The only thing I've ever wanted is to be a mom, and I just have this horrible feeling that it isn't going to happen. And people keep asking me when I'm going to have babies. They ask how long I've been married and when I tell them three years they're like "Wow, three years and you still don't have kids?" Like I am some sort of failure for trying to be responsible. I am probably going to end up that crazy lady with too many pets and be stuck in a wheelchair or something. If it isn't one thing it is another as far as my body failing. When the doctors ask questions, like "are you always cold?" and my answer is yes, but that's because my body temperature is naturally lower than normal. Or "Have you had stomach problems recently?" Yes, because I have IBS, GERD and can't digest gluten. Also that is partly why I am here, the mystery stomachache. Giving these answers just makes me feel ridiculous. "Let's draw some blood and see if we can figure out what's going on." Ooops, your veins are invisible. That won't work either. And another doctor tells me I'm too young to have all the problems I do, (such as those listed above on top of failing joints.) I really do try to stay positive. I'm sure it doesn't seem that way, since I complain all the time. I try so hard to keep my faith in God, and know that He has a plan that I am unable to see yet. But some days I feel like I am becoming hard and bitter, and I don't want that. I keep asking Him for help, but I feel like I am getting silence in return. So I guess that's my answer....I won't be "fixed" and I won't get help dealing with the frustration of it? And people tell me that there are lessons in every trial of life, but I sure don't get it. I will do my best though, to follow the song of Casting Crowns and praise You in this storm.


"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

On why I hate "The Giving Tree"

   I never liked the book "The Giving Tree" as a kid...I still don't. It always depressed me, because the kid/man was so selfish and more or less killed the tree and the tree loved him so much that her self-sacrifice made her happy.
   Maybe on a subconscious level (though I am now becoming aware of it) I don't like it because it hits too close to home.  God gives and gives and gives and we happily take it, never thinking of what it does to Him, how we have hurt and damaged Him for our own  happiness. He went so far as to DIE for us, and we still want more. By human nature we are selfish, but how can we not be? All that we know is what we directly experience.  So to us, the world revolves around us and our problems or happiness.
   I think what bothers me most about "The Giving Tree" is that the boy NEVER thanks the tree for her generosity.  And she's not really happy because he keeps abandoning her. Do we do that to God? Am I guilty of asking for things and then not even being grateful for them; abandoning Him when I feel I have gotten what I want? I hope not. I try to be thankful and praise Him no matter what is going on. I hope I am not just taking and taking without being thankful and trying to repay the kindness I've been given. Something to focus on I guess...

The attempt at keeping faith and finding peace no matter what

I have to get a colonoscopy on Tuesday. I'm trying to make light of it and just joke about getting probed by aliens, but the truth is, I am scared. Initially I was just a little concerned, but the closer it gets to Tuesday, the more upset I get. It's not so much the whole, getting anally violated with a camera thing that freaks me out, although that is super awkward. It's the idea that I'm bleeding internally and have no idea why. I am very anxious to learn why because I am exhausted and sick and in pain constantly and it is wearing me down, but of course my mind goes to terrible places and makes awful assumptions of what it may be. Logic tells me it is probably not that big of a deal, but I have so many issues, especially gastroenterological ones that it is hard to not wonder if there is something more serious behind it.
Then there is a part of me that says I have to just stop caring altogether...for a couple reasons. One, for the simple fact that if I let myself care, I will care too much and be a wreck. Two, and most importantly, I have God on my side and I trust in Him wholly and completely. If for some reason He sees fit that I have something very wrong with me, I know He will guide me through it and make something good come from it. If it is something minor, He still cares and won't make me feel stupid for worrying.

Fat

Blah. I'm so sick of people asking me if I'm pregnant...I know I carry my weight in the "baby area" and try as I might, it will not go away. Even when I weighed 115 pounds (years ago) I had a fat stomach. What's even more frustrating about being asked if I'm expecting a baby (by two different people in half an hour) is that I'm trying to make it go away. I'm eating healthier, trying to be a bit more active. I've lost nearly 20 pounds and I was finally starting to feel decent about myself. Then today just killed any confidence I had.  When children ask "you got a baby in your belly?" it isn't nearly offensive, children speak their minds, and when I say "Nope, just chubby" they let it go. Adults either awkwardly try to dig themselves out of a hole or make up a weird lie (like, oh I thought Soandso said you were).  Or like today, when asked if I was expecting, I just replied "No, I'm just fat" and turned, expecting her to leave it alone.  Instead, I got a response of "Oh yeah, food looks good and then we eat it and get fat." Yes, I'm aware of this...but you don't know me or my eating habits...thanks for that though.  I turn again to look at a rack of clothes and she won't leave me alone, proceeds to talk about having a hysterectomy and the lumps in her uterus, being 60 and unable to keep up with the 40 year old men she's trying to date and so on. Woman can't take a hint... I tuned her out and kept browsing but she wouldn't leave me alone 'til I just left. 

I never ask a woman if she's pregnant, even if it is completely obvious, because I know how crappy it feels when people comment on your weight. (Seriously, people ask me all the time- I hate it.) First off, it's nobody's business if I'm having a baby- if you are a stranger, it doesn't affect you so why do you care? Secondly, when I tell you that I'm just fat, it's not an invitation to further comment on my weight. It's a clue that you need to leave me alone.  However, I am too polite to be mean to these people even though I'd really like to tell them off.

So now, I am feeling totally insecure and researching new healthy things and exercises...maybe someday people will mind their own business or I could be thin enough that they won't ask.

Cactus

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus....the tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.


I heard/saw this quote the other day and I found it to be an excellent metaphor for how I've been feeling lately. There are a lot of people who, at one point in my life, I thought were incredibly important. As time goes on, however, I feel them slipping away and it's been eating me up. It's like as a child when I would sit at the edge of the beach where the water just barely came up to shore. I would pull up handfuls of wet sand and watch as it slid through my fingers. I feel like almost every person I have ever loved is wet sand. I can't hold on and I'm giving up trying. I'm coming to peace with the fact that just because I love someone doesn't mean they will love me back; that I am nowhere near as cute and charming as I'd like to be. The less I care, the less it hurts. I don't want to hug a cactus anymore.

Now, I don't know if this "not caring" is a Godly thing or not... I don't know if you can love someone from a distance to avoid being hurt, if you can just stop caring altogether, or if He would tell me to keep loving them even though it is painful.

Then there are the people who I think still love me but then find out it's only a mask they've put on, that they actually think/say terrible things about me, but not TO me. I'd rather people were honest. It might hurt initially to hear what they actually think of me, but it would be better than time and time again hearing from someone else what's been said. Like ripping off the band-aid- very painful, but that pain is brief. Pulling it off slowly pulls the skin and hair individually and you feel each and every one. Eventually I know I will let go of these people too, but I desperately want to hold on to anyone who is still in my life because there are so few left. Yet I know that doing so only hurts me...it benefits no one.



The following are lyrics to a song by Kimya Dawson, It is a beautiful, sweet and somewhat silly song. But at least for me it has a deep meaning. I'm working on not always wishing I was someone else.....


"Tree Hugger"

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree"
The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree"
The cat wished that it was a bee
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky
Over rooftops and then dive
Deep into the sea

And in the sea there is a fish
A fish that has a secret wish
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it
And in the sea there is a fish
A fish that has a secret wish
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it

And the flower
Would be its offering
Of love to the desert
And the desert
So dry and lonely
That the creatures all
Appreciate the effort

Et le jackalope a dit
"Je voudrais être un yeti
Pour voler dans la nuit
Et m'en aller loin d'ici"
Mais le yeti a dit
"Je voudrais être un monstre marin
Pour pouvoir rentrer dans la mer
De tous les requins"

And the rattlesnake said
"I wish I had hands so
I could hug you like a man"
And then the cactus said
"Don't you understand
My skin is covered with sharp spikes
That'll stab you like a thousand knives.
A hug would be nice
But hug my flower with your eyes"

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree"
The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree"
The cat wished that it was a bee
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky
Over rooftops and then dive
Deep into the sea

And in the sea there is a fish
A fish that has a secret wish
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it
And in the sea there is a fish
A fish that has a secret wish
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it

And the flower
Would be its offering
Of love to the desert
And the desert
So dry and lonely
That the creatures all
Appreciate the effort