I see pictures of my friends and the relationship their children have with each other and it hurts.
I think it's so great that their children have that bond and I am truly happy for them, but it still hurts.
She was supposed to have that.
I've been going through old baby clothes and trying to decide what to do with them. The ones I have a really strong emotional attachment to are going to be part of a quilt, but the rest? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go.
Maybe because it's the finality of it. She's my last baby...the only one who came home with us.
As badly as I wish she had a sibling, it's not that I want to have another baby. I want MY babies. She already has siblings...just, not in the traditional sense. And it sucks. And I don't think it's fair. To either of us.
Every day I live in fear of something happening to her. I'm sure most parents have that to some extent, but it's getting worse. I have nightmares. When she's sleeping I have to check on her a lot to make sure she's ok because my brain tells me that if I have the chance to check on her (got up to go to the bathroom or something) and I don't, that she won't be ok that time, and it will be my fault, that if I checked on her everything would have been ok. Sometimes, I get a rare chance to sleep or rest, and I have to get out of bed and check on her because my mind won't stop screaming "what ifs" at me.
Sometimes when I look at pictures of her when she was teeny tiny, I almost want to have another baby. But I don't. Not really. On top of being really happy with Leyna and loving each new stage more (and loving her more) I couldn't deal with this fear and anxiety multiplied.
And I honestly have a feeling that even if I did get pregnant again, I would come home with empty arms again.
