I was day dreaming and thinking of you today. I envisioned us playing outside, teaching you to swim. Bundling you up in your little bear suit and watching you squeal in the snow. Laughing as I watched you eat-a bite for you, a bite for the dogs, giggling all the while. Thinking of all the moments I would miss while I was at work and your grandmas babysat you.
And then an iron band grabbed my soul and nearly choked the life out of me, pulling me back to reality. The nightmare is what is real, the daysreams a horrible torture.  I had to remind myself that you are gone. That I will never get to do all those things I had planned. You were real, you were tangible,  you were my sweet baby boy  and yet you slipped through my fingers like sand. Here one moment, I could feel you...and then so suddenly just gone. How did this happen?
Will this anguish never end?

"...their mothers beg the lord. 'If you're listening I'm missing him, so somehow bring him home... how did it come to this?"

We are preparing to move into a new house which has created a lot of joy, anticipation and excitement, but also a great deal of stress. I'm working on packing up my room right now and I just feel overwhelmed by many things. I was pulling out all the books from my closet because I thought that would be an easy place to start. However, in the bottom of the closet are several things of Nico's that never got packed away and I hadn't had the heart to do it, so they lay poorly hidden under winter coats. I will need to pack those up and put them with the rest of his things. I know Ryan and his mom hid all of Nico's things downstairs in the boiler room so that I didn't have to pack them away. I was down there looking for something one day and saw a bunch of his things hastily shoved in boxes and under whatever could be found to disguise them. Curiosity got the best of me and I began looking through them. It was hard enough seeing his toys and blankets and things, but there was one bag that broke me. There was a bag from Ryan's mom filled with wrapped Christmas presents for him. For some reason, that affected me too much and I started sobbing. My baby, my Christmas present, would never get to see his.
And now as I'm packing I'm thinking about him. Right now he and several mementos from the hospital are in our bedroom on Ryan's dresser. The bedroom at our new house isn't big enough for both Ryan's and my dresser and mine will go in there because our tv is on it. So where will we put Nico? I need to keep him close by where I can see and talk to him, but I don't know where to put him. I could put him in the living room maybe. Or my craft room. I won't put him in the spare room though because that would seem like we were shoving him aside. This is hard to talk, write, or think about. I know that my son's soul is safe in heaven, but all that I have left of him is what is on that dresser and it is beyond precious to me and it needs to be safe and honored. I don't know what to do.
I have so many questions that I will never get answers to.
What color are you eyes? Are they blue like mine or green like Daddy's?
Would you always have my little button nose or would you have grown to be a clone of Daddy?
Would your hair stay blonde or grow dark like ours did? Is it curly?
Are you left handed or right handed?
What would you have liked doing? Would you like reading like me? Video games like him?
Are you musical like we are?
What is Heaven like? What do you and your sibling(s) do?
Most importantly, do you know how much I love you? That not a day goes by that I don't think about you and the person you would have been?
I love you and I miss you so much. And I'm sorry to my other baby that I don't say as much to you. I really love you and miss you too. I wonder all of these things about you as well. Only I don't have even the slightest clue what you looked like. And I knew you for such a short time that I barely knew you. Just know that I love you very much. Some day I will hold both of you. Some day I'll finally know you better. Someday. We will be together. Take care of each other.