Workworkwork

So, everyone says what a rewarding job this is... but I think if I'm going to be changing diapers and wiping butts, I'd rather it be on someone who is too young to be a violently angry, potty-mouthed, pervert. Just sayin....

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am completely directionally challenged. No skills in direction whatsoever. So when it came time for Ryan and I to buy phones, we bought the phones that had built in GPS... perfect for me, right? Today I was in downtown Pittsburgh, taking my test for PA certification and I was so glad to have my GPS; it got me through all the scary one way streets and city traffic. I turned my phone off so it wouldn't die while I was taking my tests and went inside. Came back out, excited to be done and go home, went to turn my phone on... nothing. It was dead. I charged it just last night, so what was going on? I began to panic. How could I get home without any directions? I started praying, hoping that God would make my phone start working again. No such luck. So I just started driving, praying and praying that God would get me home safely. I thought I was just getting myself more and more lost in the city, then I realized I had basically just driven in a huge circle. Then I noticed the sign... the sign that led to the highway I needed... the sign that God was going to lead me home, but He was going to do it His way. His way requires faith and trust. He was giving me a test, or a quiz maybe... "Do you trust Me?" He asked me. "I trust You." Though I was afraid, my faith in Him outweighed my fear and it paid off! I made it home safely, something I would never have done without Him.

More than anything, I am learning to trust in Him absolutely, completely, more than I thought I could trust someone. For the past month, the big things that I have been most stressed about have been taken care of, answered all today, actually.... and then as a cherry on top of that, God decided to show me why it is worth trusting in Him. He knows what He's doing, and He's got all the answers... even if we don't.

Random facts about me

-I almost always wake up with a song stuck in my head. Today it was "you can't always get what you want". The other day it was "house of the rising sun" which is particularly strange since I don't recall ever hearing it.
-If I had a superhero alter ego it would be "anxiety girl" and my power would be the ability to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.
-I find Ryan's snoring oddly comforting. Maybe because I'm crazy and it ensures me that he is breathing, maybe just because I'm used to it and it comforts me to have him sleeping beside me. But I woke up today and he wasn't snoring and I couldn't get back to sleep; once he started snoring again I relaxed and got sleepy again.
-I would rather eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast and cereal for lunch than the other way around.
-I really hate bugs, but I feel guilty when I kill them.

Honesty and babbling and unanswered questions

In my search for purpose, I think I need to begin with honesty- both with myself and those around me. This honesty may appear as babbling, but here we go.... And this may seem completely unrelated to what I've been reading about today, but it is what I woke up with on my mind. I've started dreaming about Chelsea again and I don't know why. Right after she died, I dreamt about her constantly and always in my dreams she had died but come back. I dreamed about her so persistantly that I began to wonder. I have never believed in ghosts, but in this situation I began to wonder if I was being haunted. Eventually, after much prayer and time the dreams ceased. So why now, years later, am I dreaming about her again? The scenario is the same... she died but she came back, basically in the form of a spirit, but she could interact with the world like you or I. I tell her that I love her and we are together all the time. In real life, I never told her that I cared so much about her or that God loves her... in all honesty we weren't even that close- I think that's what confuses me the most about her being so prevalent in my thoughts. If it had been one of my best friends it would make more sense. I still pray for her soul, which may be foolish hopefulness that years later it could make any difference at all, but at the same time, I guess I'm going on child-like faith and the knowledge that God is outside of time and could go back and change something if He chose.

My devotional is talking about giving up our dreams and trusting more in God than in anything else. But does that mean our hopes and desires, or our literal dreams? Should I bother looking for meaning in this at all, or just chalk it up to regret and somehow subconsciously thinking about her before I went to sleep? I wish that I could find answers as easily as I ask questions. When I was young I wanted to write letters to God, thinking he would take them and write me back. I never did, probably out of fear that I was wrong. Yet still, there has always been that little voice that says "what if..."?

But I can't live on "what ifs". I need to take action. I still wish sometimes that God would just beam down a map of my life so I could know what turn to take next. Of course, I am completely illiterate when it comes to maps, so I suppose that wouldn't do me a whole lot of good. How about GPS? There's a little voice nagging me in the back of my head right now going "Um, isn't that what the Bible is?" Yes, yes it is. And I know it's like, the ultimate map. It's just not very specific to me. Ok, I'm getting whiny and self-absorbed. I think that means it is time to stop.

I am learning

So easily, I can be overtaken by stress. There is so much to worry about. There are bills to be paid, difficult to do with no income, a car that seems like it could fall apart at any time and I randomly panic about my family and their health. I worry about being able to finally have my own classroom, if I will succeed when I have it. I wonder where I will live, if I will ever not live paycheck to paycheck... and it just goes on and on until there is nothing left of me but anxiety and fear. But with the help of my devotional, I am learning that there is a simple solution- I turn to God. Realistically, there is very little I can do about most of these things, so I put it in His hands. When I feel that wave of anxiety rushing toward me, I say right out loud "it's in Your hands." I am so happy that I can trust in Him and that I know He will take care of me, that He has some sort of great plan for me that will all work out so long as I don't get in the way.

I am also learning how much I take for granted. Working with Frank has taught me that. I try to always take time to say a prayer of thanks before a meal, but there are other things that I just assume will always be there, like the ability to walk or the use of all five senses. It just seems like such a given to have these things, but not everyone does and I never really thought about it before.

I admit it...

I can freely and easily admit that I am a complete germaphobe. It drives people crazy, I know, but I can't help it. Ryan got frustrated with me yesterday because we were watching some show and the guy had raw eggs smashed on his head and I was disgusted and made a comment about how unsanitary it was. He wanted to know how I can always think this way and more or less told me to get over it. But the problem is, I can't not think this way. As difficult as it is for other people to put up with me being like this, imagine how it is to be constantly thinking about the germs that are everywhere. For lack of more eloquent wording... it sucks. The other day, I caught Ryan's cousin coming out of our bathroom without washing his hands and called him out on it, but he didn't see anything wrong with it, but I couldn't stop thinking oh geeze, what is he touching? How much of my house is covered in nasty toilet germs? I didn't want to touch the doorknobs or light switches without Lysoling it all. My skin gets really dry because I have to wash my hands all the time. I carry hand sanitizer everywhere I go; my mom keeps some in her purse for when I'm with her. I can't even sit on a toilet without putting down toilet paper first... even on my own toilet. Sharing towels is also a no-no. I will keep guest towels in my house, not because I want to have fancy towels for guests, but because I don't want their germs and hairs all over me. You might think, Danielle, you washed it, its, fine. But that isn't good enough for me. You know why? Because whenever I go to a hotel or someone else's house, I always get the towel with the pube in it. I can't decide whether I would rather know about all these germs and keep clean or be blissfully ignorant.

Who I Am

Starting today, I am making an effort to find purpose. I know there has to be a reason to be here more than just get up, go to work, come home and sleep. I’ve started a devotional called Women of Purpose and I’m hoping it helps.

So lets start with an old question: who am I? I’ve battled with this one for awhile- a part of me wants to scream I know exactly who I am, and I argued that for many years. But sometimes I think, maybe I have no clue who I am besides what is on the surface. I am a pasty white 23-year-old wife, daughter and sister, an aspiring teacher who currently works with an ailing elderly man and I have a dog that I spoil like a child. I struggle even calling myself a woman, because half of the time I still feel so young. When things fall apart, the child in me still wants to cry for my mommy. None of this really says much about me though, and I’m starting to wonder if I even really know much about myself. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but my mind is a bit jumbly right now.

One thing that my devotional today got me thinking about is that the world is not really about us individually. That’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. Because we only live our own lives, we become completely wrapped up in our own world so it seems as if absolutely everything is about us. We were put here for the glory of God, not to please ourselves. Though we have goals and desires, He already has a plan in place for us and nothing will prevent Him from seeing that plan through. So are my plans and my desires really mine, or do I only have them because God wants me to? I want desperately to want what He wants and to do what He wants from me, but it is difficult to discern sometimes whose aspirations these really are, and mostly, it is hard to be patient. I want to see the blue prints of my life to see what I am going to be someday so I can look at it all and think ah hah! so that is why this happened or why I was here at this time, and it will all make sense and I won’t have to wait. I am very childlike sometimes; I can wait, but I sure don’t always want to.