In my search for purpose, I think I need to begin with honesty- both with myself and those around me. This honesty may appear as babbling, but here we go.... And this may seem completely unrelated to what I've been reading about today, but it is what I woke up with on my mind. I've started dreaming about Chelsea again and I don't know why. Right after she died, I dreamt about her constantly and always in my dreams she had died but come back. I dreamed about her so persistantly that I began to wonder. I have never believed in ghosts, but in this situation I began to wonder if I was being haunted. Eventually, after much prayer and time the dreams ceased. So why now, years later, am I dreaming about her again? The scenario is the same... she died but she came back, basically in the form of a spirit, but she could interact with the world like you or I. I tell her that I love her and we are together all the time. In real life, I never told her that I cared so much about her or that God loves her... in all honesty we weren't even that close- I think that's what confuses me the most about her being so prevalent in my thoughts. If it had been one of my best friends it would make more sense. I still pray for her soul, which may be foolish hopefulness that years later it could make any difference at all, but at the same time, I guess I'm going on child-like faith and the knowledge that God is outside of time and could go back and change something if He chose.
My devotional is talking about giving up our dreams and trusting more in God than in anything else. But does that mean our hopes and desires, or our literal dreams? Should I bother looking for meaning in this at all, or just chalk it up to regret and somehow subconsciously thinking about her before I went to sleep? I wish that I could find answers as easily as I ask questions. When I was young I wanted to write letters to God, thinking he would take them and write me back. I never did, probably out of fear that I was wrong. Yet still, there has always been that little voice that says "what if..."?
But I can't live on "what ifs". I need to take action. I still wish sometimes that God would just beam down a map of my life so I could know what turn to take next. Of course, I am completely illiterate when it comes to maps, so I suppose that wouldn't do me a whole lot of good. How about GPS? There's a little voice nagging me in the back of my head right now going "Um, isn't that what the Bible is?" Yes, yes it is. And I know it's like, the ultimate map. It's just not very specific to me. Ok, I'm getting whiny and self-absorbed. I think that means it is time to stop.
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