Since you’re all dying to know,
but are too shy to ask, here is how I got this incredible body.
Step 1: Get pregnant. This is a
really effective way to put on a lot of weight with little to no effort.
Step 2: Deliver your baby via
C-section. It will create a really great scar which causes your now loose skin
to hang over like an apron. Neat, right?
Step 3: Lose all the baby weight
plus an extra 5 pounds in two weeks because you’re too busy taking care of the
baby to eat. This will make your loose skin extra floppy, due to the sudden
weight change.
Step 4: Breastfeed. It will make
your boobs huge, and then when you wean baby, they’ll deflate like forgotten
birthday balloons. Additionally, your
bras will no longer fit right- it’s amazing! You can now go spend money that
you don’t have on new ones (that also will not fit well.)
Step 5: (Ideally, this could be
completed before step 1, but you do you, booboo.) Marry a man with the palate
of a 5 year old (If 5 year olds added hot sauce to everything) so you can make
the choice of making multiple dinners (I know, super fun after a difficult
day!) or end up eating less healthy meals without enough vegetables. This will
help keep on any extra unwanted pounds.
Step 6: Decide to finally start
exercising. (For real this time, not like the other 437 times you were going to
get fit.) Make sure to do it erratically and when your toddler is awake so they
can climb on you and trip you until you give up. Tell yourself you’ll do a
proper exercise routine after she’s asleep. Don’t follow through.
And most importantly:
Step 7: (Admittedly, I’m still
working on this one.) Embrace your new squishy, scarred up body. It may not be
much to look at, but it grew and nourished the most incredible little person
you’ve ever met.
