Praise You in This Storm

I feel like every doctor's visit, every week and month that goes by without my body doing what it should, is another step away from the future I had always imagined for myself. I always thought by now I would have had at least one kid if not more. And I'm surrounded by young girls, many of whom didn't even want kids and they have them. It seems unfair. The only thing I've ever wanted is to be a mom, and I just have this horrible feeling that it isn't going to happen. And people keep asking me when I'm going to have babies. They ask how long I've been married and when I tell them three years they're like "Wow, three years and you still don't have kids?" Like I am some sort of failure for trying to be responsible. I am probably going to end up that crazy lady with too many pets and be stuck in a wheelchair or something. If it isn't one thing it is another as far as my body failing. When the doctors ask questions, like "are you always cold?" and my answer is yes, but that's because my body temperature is naturally lower than normal. Or "Have you had stomach problems recently?" Yes, because I have IBS, GERD and can't digest gluten. Also that is partly why I am here, the mystery stomachache. Giving these answers just makes me feel ridiculous. "Let's draw some blood and see if we can figure out what's going on." Ooops, your veins are invisible. That won't work either. And another doctor tells me I'm too young to have all the problems I do, (such as those listed above on top of failing joints.) I really do try to stay positive. I'm sure it doesn't seem that way, since I complain all the time. I try so hard to keep my faith in God, and know that He has a plan that I am unable to see yet. But some days I feel like I am becoming hard and bitter, and I don't want that. I keep asking Him for help, but I feel like I am getting silence in return. So I guess that's my answer....I won't be "fixed" and I won't get help dealing with the frustration of it? And people tell me that there are lessons in every trial of life, but I sure don't get it. I will do my best though, to follow the song of Casting Crowns and praise You in this storm.


"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]