Awhile back, I started a set of rules about how to survive grief. This is the second part.
Set goals for yourself.
I'm not talking long term goals. I'm talking day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute type goals. Whatever it is you are able to accomplish.
It also helps to make a list- that way you get the feeling of accomplishment when you get to cross something off the list.
Your list will differ depending on who you are, who you've lost, what stage of grief you are in.
You might have one thing on your list, you might have several.
Your only goal for the day might be to get out of bed or take a shower.
And that is ok.
As things get better, and your grief is more under control, add to your list. But just add what your can handle. Don't set goals that are too lofty and add stress to yourself.
Now I'd like to address those who have a loved one who has lost someone. This is a tough position to be in, because you want to make it better but you don't know how. And sometimes, trying to make it better with words inadvertently hurts them more. So I'm going to sort of make a list of do's and don'ts.
A lot of times, people will say "Let me know if there's anything I can do." Which is very nice and you obviously mean well. However, do not say this if you do not mean it.
I read a story of a couple who had lost a child and they had two other children. One of their friends said to call if they needed anything and the couple put aside their pride and asked the friends to watch their children so they could go on a date. (The loss of a child is very hard on a couple and they needed to work to make sure they stayed together as a team and not push each other away.) In and of itself, asking for help is very humbling and a bit embarrassing. The friends they called turned them down because they had plans.
This is why I say do not say it unless you truly mean it and are prepared to drop anything you have going on if they do call you needing help.
A better alternative, is to simply do things. Don't wait for the person to ask. Just offer.
If a couple (or an individual) is grieving and they have children, offer to take the kids for the night. That gives them the chance to go out, go on a date, or simply stay in and feel whatever they need to without worrying about staying strong in front of anyone.
If you are at the store, pick up something for them that they probably need or would like.
Drop off a meal.
Do their laundry.
Mow their lawn.
Do whatever you can to help. Don't ask them if they want you to do it, because most people are going to tell you not to bother yourself, but if they need something done and you are capable of doing it for them, just do it.
When she heard what had happened with Nico, my very good friend Angel jumped into action. She got flowers and had a necklace made and brought them to the hospital without expecting anything. I wasn't ready to see anyone and she understood that. She dropped them off with my mom. When I went home, she told me she was making soup and asked what kind I wanted. Didn't ask if I wanted soup, just told me she was going to make me some. This was something that I was very grateful for.
Be there for people however you can. My other very good friend Liz hopped on a plane from Florida and came up. She didn't expect anything from me, she did not expect to be entertained. She picked up food she knew I liked and brought it and then just sat with me. She watched whatever I wanted to watch without objection. She told me that if I needed to sleep to go ahead. She was simply there. And that was huge.
A lot of times, people will send a plant. Which is super thoughtful, but keep in mind the person you are sending it to. Are they good at gardening? Have they ever kept a plant alive for a long time? If the answer is no, consider something else instead. Cookies, dinner, a movie, whatever would be appropriate to them. I only say this because a lot of times when a person is grieving, they are not going to remember to care for a plant and then they will have the sadness and guilt that comes with realizing that they ruined your gift.
If they are a person who enjoys caring for plants and is good at it, and you know they will appreciate it, then by all means flower away. Just consider the individual if you are deciding on a gift for them.
I get the feeling of need to say something, but a lot of times, the common responses are not helpful and can even cause more pain.
Don't say "It was their time." This is a line that was created to fill the awkward void between yourself and your grieving loved one. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't bring any comfort.
If they've lost a child, do NOT say "You can try again." That line acts as though their child did not matter and is replaceable.
Don't say "God needed them in Heaven." That makes God seem selfish. I had a couple of people say this to me and honestly it just made me angry because it implied that the nine months I spent caring for my son, growing him, being all kinds of uncomfortable, and the weekend I spent in labor with him, meant nothing. That I didn't need him. Because I did. I needed him more than God could have.
DO say "I am so sorry." If you can't think of what to say, this is always appropriate.
DO offer to listen if they want to talk.
Don't avoid the name of their loved one. Not saying their name will not diminish their pain.
Feel free to tell them that you can't imagine what they are going through if you haven't been in their situation.
If you've lost a loved one similarly however, do not tell them that you know "exactly" how they feel because you don't. You understand that it is painful, but your experiences were different from theirs because you are different people.
Don't tell them that God won't give them more than they can handle. That a) tells them that God caused their pain, which is not cool and b) basically means "suck it up, you're tough enough to deal with this."
For the love of all that is good, do NOT remind them of what they've lost by pointing out what you still have. This seems like the most obvious thing in the world, but apparently it needs to be said.
I actually had someone say to me, "As a mother, I can't imagine going through that." This was the most painful thing anyone said to me. I'm sure she didn't mean it to come across the way it did, (I certainly hope no one would purposely be that cruel) but basically what she was saying was (as I interpreted it) "Thank God my children are fine. I'm still a mother but you aren't." I'm a mother too and I did have to go through this.
Above all, think through how what you do or say will be interpreted, and keep in mind that a person in grief is not thinking with their normal, clear, levelheadedness, so don't be offended if they act differently than you think they should. Remember that everyone grieves differently and do not judge them for how they grieve.
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