YOLO

I hate it when people use the term YOLO (you only live once) as an excuse to be stupid and irresponsible. You only get one chance, one life, and I get the idea of wanting to live life to its fullest because of that. However, more so, I see it as a reason to be smart with what time you have. Have fun, spend time with the people you love, but don't damage the body you have in the process. My body is rapidly deteriorating even thought I haven't filled it with drugs and years of unsafe sex. I just drew the short straw genetically. Because of that, I see a need to take care of myself and be safe and healthy.

I had a conversation with my husband the other day that went like this:
"Geeze, if you're this bad off [health-wise] at 26, what are you going to be like at 50?"
"Dead."

I don't say that to be pessimistic, I just honestly believe I don't have a long life ahead of me. To me, it's just a fact, since I was a young teenager. My body is either going to completely fail or I will have some sort of weird accident...I'm not known for my grace.  And I'm ok with that. I know where I'm going when I die. Yes, I would like to live a long, happy life with my husband, to have children and watch them grow up. However, my chances of having children are extremely low, and each year that goes by without a living child, my chances decrease even more. I'm not ok with that. I always thought I was born to be a mother. Now I don't know. I do feel pretty confident that I am mid-life though. A lot of people my age are having the "quarter life crisis" trying to figure out what to do with our educations and trying to find a job, stuck in a weird place of not being a child anymore, but not feeling entirely like an adult either. Mentally, I still think of myself as being quite young. Physically though, I feel like I am in my sixties. Ryan has jokingly called me his "grandma wife." That strange contrast of being both young and old is confusing for my brain. I feel bad that Ryan got stuck with me. He should have somebody healthy and able-bodied.
I feel both guilty and horrified by my body. Which, I know it isn't my fault that I am this way. But it seems unfair. To both of us. Psalm 139:14 says that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I don't feel entirely wonderfully made...sometimes I think God just ran out of glue when he was putting me together and settled for tape which is quickly losing its adhesive abilities. I know this is just Satan trying to pull me down, because I made a conscious choice to be joyful, and he is trying to prove that he's stronger than me. I may be weak, but God is strong. He is strong enough for me even when I am crumbling against my own weakness. I know that he chose to give me this body for a reason, I just don't know what it is. I'm trying to keep faith, believing that someday I will understand his purposes. In the meantime, I spend a lot of time feeling like I am beating on a very thick door, calling to Him, wondering if He is listening or can even hear me. He hears me. He is on the other side, he's just saying "Not now."

And to quote George RR Martin:
What is the one thing we say to Death?
Not today.


I've only got one life, but I still have more time. I intend to spend that time appropriately.
It's not time for me to go Home yet.