November

 November has long been a month of extreme emotions/events for me. In 2005 the first of the month, Tommy called and told me he'd been cheating on me. His mom tried to put blame on me because he's bipolar and I'd left for college. He then left me for the girl he cheated with. I thought I would never be more heartbroken than that (hindsight would later prove that although this betrayal was so painful, it didn't even brush the surface of the heart breaks that Novembers would bring, and in the end was truly for the better.) 

On a good note, Ryan and I reconnected and it turned out that the crush I'd been harboring for years was returned and that Thanksgiving we started hanging out and this year marks 18 years together. Also his birthday is in November and it's always wonderful to celebrate the life of someone you love.

Several years later, my Grampa, my last blood related grandparent passed away.  

Then in 2014, my heart was ripped out of my chest and torn apart and though that wound has healed, my heart and I will never be the same. Every year Nico's birthday is a devastating reminder of everything I missed with him, all the firsts, all that love I had to give, seeing him be a big brother. Every year, my brain replays the worst moments of my life with absolute clarity- I can hear the doctor telling me that he's dead, I can hear my sobs, I can smell him, I can feel his forehead under my lips as I kissed him goodbye.

And then last year I lost Jin too. My first baby, my fur baby, who was with me through so many of the other awful moments but also so many good ones. And I miss him terribly.