I miss my Nico so badly today. I dreamed about him all morning so I started my day off feeling that horrible void.
I had been having quite a few good days, feeling like my old self, feeling goofy. It was nice, but I had to fight with myself not to feel guilty about it. He knew/knows I love him and enjoying my life or not enjoying my life will not change that.
But how can you love someone so much that you barely knew? I had no idea this depth of love was possible, and it hurts so badly to not be able to properly express that love. I wish more than anything that I still had him. I wish I could have been like the women who get pregnant and just know that everything is going to be okay, that actually get to bring their babies home. I wish I could have that kind of innocence. I didn't even get to have a few months of that with Nico since his older brother died before he did. Losing one baby was horrible. Losing them both is unforgivable. People tell me that God loves me and that they are praying, but it doesn't help me feel any better. It just makes me angry. He didn't keep Nico healthy and safe, despite me begging and praying every day for months. Why would he do anything to help me now? I wouldn't even want his comfort when he could have stepped in and saved Nico and chose not to.
I get so upset when I see people who have babies, and then they're having a second and third etc. It isn't fair. And they have no idea how lucky they are. They never worried while they were pregnant, they just knew they were having a baby and their expectations were met.
Why would God create me to have this burning need to be a mother and then continue to deny me it? It would be different if I just wasn't able to have babies...but he keeps giving me a taste of motherhood and then taking it back. Anyone who told me, trying to give me comfort, that God just needed my baby in Heaven wasn't really thinking about what they were saying. If that is true, then he is a selfish jerk. He already had one of my babies, why did he need them both?
I'm sorry if this offends you, but at the same time, sorry but I'm not sorry. You can't imagine this kind of pain, so you don't get to judge me and how I grieve. And if you can because you've been through it, then I just want to hug you and cry with you. And also meet you to know there are others out there and that I'm not alone. And tell you how sorry I am that you have to feel this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.