All my life I believed that God was up there listening to me and loving me. I started my day with a prayer, to keep my family safe, to help me be a better person, to forgive me for my mistakes. I sang songs of worship, I praised him for all the things that were good in my life. I trusted God. I put my life in his hands and felt comforted because I figured that I had no control over the circumstances in my life but he was bigger than me and would take care of it.  Throughout the day I would pray-every time I heard sirens I would throw up a prayer for the people involved. Every time I was worried about something, I would pray that he would intervene.

I prayed every day for a healthy child. I prayed that God would keep Nico safe.  I had finally gotten close to forgiving God for taking my child away last year and I thought my life was coming together. I thought I was finally going to have a purpose- being a mom. I’ve always thought that was my purpose, but for some reason it hasn’t happened yet. I told him though, that if he let another child of mine die that I wouldn’t forgive him or speak to him again. I thought he loved me. I thought he was listening.

I was wrong. No loving God would let me go to full term of pregnancy, be completely prepared and excited for this new life, only to find out at my 39 week appointment that my child was dead. A loving God wouldn’t make me go into labor and deliver a dead baby. If he loved me and listened to me, my baby would be lying safely in his crib instead of in a tiny urn.

I don’t know what to think or believe anymore.  I get confused when I hear sirens or when I worry about my family’s safety. I don’t know what to do with my thoughts of concern.  If God wouldn’t listen to me about my son’s life, why would he give a thought to anything else I have to say?

I feel alone. There are holes in my heart and I don’t know what to fill them with. Before this, I would think you could fit God into any shaped hole and he would mold to fit them and fill your heart back up and heal it. But now, all those holes that I thought he was filling are empty and there is a God shaped hole in my heart and I have nothing to fill it with. There is an enormous hole shaped like Nico and there is nothing that will ever fix or fill that hole.

I have amazing family and a wonderful  husband and I am thankful for that. But we are supposed to be celebrating together, not grieving.

I feel lost. I don’t know where to turn or where to put all my thoughts and pain. I was raised to turn my pain over to God, that he would take my pain away and carry me through the difficult times. Who’s going to take my pain or carry me when God is the one that hurt me? I have to believe that he doesn’t care about me, because if I was holding Nico like I am supposed to be, I would be thanking God and praising him all the time for that beautiful little boy. So when I told him several times that I wouldn’t talk to him or forgive him if he killed Nico, he didn’t care. He doesn’t care if I want a relationship with him or not. He doesn’t care if I talk to him anymore. Maybe he’s relieved that I’ll stop bothering him. Maybe all the good things in life were just coincidence. Maybe he created the world and then stepped back to watch it burn and doesn’t involve himself in our lives like we thought. Or maybe he does intervene in people’s lives, but he just hates me for some reason. I was told that God created us and loved us and wanted me to talk to people about him, so that they could come to know him and we could go to Heaven together.  Instead, I’ve lost my way… how am I supposed to bring people to a god that can’t  be trusted?  

My life feels like a cruel joke. We had plans- we had a baby coming, we were looking into getting a house and then it was all ripped away. I feel like God is a bully and loves to dangle things in front of me and then rip them away.

What kind of god would allow child abusers, negligent people, mean people, bad people to be parents and not me? It seems like a cruel joke. And if he loved those children, why did he allow them to be born to people like that? I know I would have been a good mom, but for some reason, these kind of people are repopulating the world and not me. I am only allowed to love dead babies. My body only creates death.

I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that I feel empty and abandoned.